5/15/2006 07:46:00 PM|W|P|Steve Geluso|W|P|Hell isn't the worst place in the world. It's actually not too bad of a place at all. In fact, everything in hell is nearly perfect. Nearly. Every morning, when you wake up 10 minutes before your alarm clock goes off and can't go back to sleep, you have to get up from your cozy Victorian bed, which stinks like dog, and go to work. Although you have an incredible loofah and unimaginably scented, exotic shampoos and conditioners, the slightest turn of the shower knob sends the temperature scalding hot. Your car never starts on the first try and your favorite song on the radio is always interrupted by emergency broadcast tests. Nearly once a week, always on the hottest or coldest days, your trendy, fuel-efficient, hybrid car runs out of gas and you have to push it. Work is started each day with an exciting meeting with people you love to work with, but the seats are too comfortable and you always fall asleep. As much as you like everyone else, no one likes you. You eat lunch at the Taco Bell rip off down the block where they always get your order right, but you always order the wrong thing. Things move fast at lunch, but you get back to work before everyone else and all the work is piled on you. You end up taking a lot of it home to finish. Friends always return your calls, but always get your answering machine. They never stay friends long because you can never find time to call them back amongst all the work you take home. There are interesting TV shows on every night, but whenever you set the VCR to record one that you'll miss, it always messes up. Everyone in your family is at home a lot and you all talk to each other. Each of the kids comes home with A minus' on their report cards and whine about that one assignment that knocked their grade down and how the teacher isn't fair. Your spouse is always sarcastic and never takes your side. Milk and cookies before bed are always the perfect snack before bed. There are the only truly perfect thing, besides their salty aftertaste and a tint of sourness with every sip of milk. Hell: always too warm for pants, always too cold for shorts. Your books have an interesting plot, but the characters ruin it. All that, and there's fire everywhere. You're burnt to a crisp.|W|P|114774759543881390|W|P|H-E-Double-Hockey-Stick|W|P|stevegeluso@gmail.com